I am starting to get really excited about my big trip, the last time I was really close to an elephant I was four years old:
Everyone at work is so miserable at present. I have come to the conclusion it is not just work, it is the time of year and we have all got 'Sads'.
I am so lucky to have something to look forward to. The spare room is brimming over with 'crocodile dundee' style hats and safari gear, I have been vaccinated for EVERYTHING- I nearly fainted last time.
I've been given a 'field manual'. I have to make myself familiar with species like 'Hipo' and 'Leopard'- how wonderfully simple and undemanding!
After a year of toil, sweat and tears it's going to be a walk in the park and I just can't wait!
Three words you don't want to hear coming from a six foot tall man, of rugby build, in his mid thirties, carrying a cat basket at arms length into your consulting room.
Followed by the words '.....in the basket.'
Then the noise of human retching and the feeble phrase 'I think I'm going to be sick.'
Sadly for Mr Tomlinson I was not sympathetic to his nausea, although I will admit the smell of his cats excrement was pretty dreadful.
'I'll get some gloves and a nurse.' I told him whilst ignoring his persistent retching.
'For God sake pull yourself together man!' Was what I wanted to say. For some reason I could not be sympathetic to him, afterall I was the one who would be scraping the shit out of the basket and cleaning the cat, not him.
I opened the door to the waiting room and yelled for the nurse 'Lisa! Lisa! Please could you come and help, Mr Tomlinson is about to vomit and I need someone to help hold his cat!' I made sure all the other clients could hear.
'Have you got children?' I asked him.
'Yes.' He said 'A son.'
'If you don't mind me asking, how the hell did you cope with his nappies?' I continued.
'I was ok.' He paused. 'Until he went onto solids.'